I'm considering looking for new passions. Since the old ones are somewhat extinguished. I don't really care to relight them. I'm never interested in the things that get old. Out with the old.

I'm also realizing that I don't care to live up top anybodys expectations anymore. What people want from me doesn't matter as much as what I want from my life. This does not make me inconsiderate. It just makes me more focused. After all, it is my life I'm living.

I had made a plan. A plan for my life to work out a certain way. But apparently life has other plans for me.

Lately I am becoming increasingly worried that it all won't work out. At all. This has been sending me into all kind of fear frenzies and making my head spin and my entire body shake. As it happens I naturally try to ignore it. The pressure is building up though. What will all of this end up as? What will I end up as?

The piece that it seemed I had acquired some time ago has disintegrated and now I don't even know what I am left with. I keep driving myself into a panic worrying about things. More and more and more.

The saddest thing about all of this is that I'm not even sure what I want anymore. At all. I've just sorta given up on trying anything at all. Because it seems, no matter how hard I try to make things better it is never enough.

In other news I am moving tomorrow (will this ever stop?), Marthy is coming to Toronto next week and in July I am going to be in Riga.

I keep running and running but what am I running from? Or where to? Just running in circles.

Have I written about this before? I fear I might have. But every time I read this book (Girl, Interrupted) these thoughts run through my mind.
Here is a part of a chapter:
"Borderline Personality Disorder (from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental Disorders)

...A marked and persistent identity disturbance is almost invariably present. This is often pervasive, and is manifested by uncertainty about several life issues, such a self-image, sexual orientation, long-term goals or career choice, types of friend or lovers to have, and which values to adopt."

Naturally, I understand, that there is more to it that just this but I can't help but ask myself: "How many times have you been uncertain about what you are and should be, what gender you prefer, what do you want to do with your life, what you believe in?" How many times have all of us been jumping from one extreme to the next, in search of... something? An identity. I think that going through these motions is something everyone has to do to figure out how and what and who they really are. People aren't just born knowing right from wrong (but actually not knowing right from wrong would be a conflict of morals, not personality, but you get my drift). We do not come into this world knowing what we want. That is how life is supposed to be lived - trying things out and figuring out what works best for you. Sometimes trying the same things several times, going back and forth, in order to compare.

We all go through a borderline period at a point in our lives. The need for treatment is decided by the length and severity of it, I guess.

For me, it comes and goes. These days I am OK most of the time. Like the bigger part of most of the time. But still nicks happen in my mind. Or is it brain? In my perception or reality. Sometimes it warps and I get thrown back into a different time or place in my life. It used to happen all the time. Now it happens very, very rarely. But when it does it's just as painful as the first time.

I am definitely rambling here... What I really think is that I miss home. I miss it so much typing "I miss home" makes tears slowly swell up in my eyes. I miss home and I think I have been going crazy for years and one day I will get there. What I am afraid of, is what I know. That no one will understand when I actually lose my mind. Or have I already?

Maybe it's with him. Floating in the sky somewhere.

Feathered.

"You know I dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before I saw you
You know I dreamed about you
I missed you for
for twenty-nine years"

not twenty-nine, a bit less. How long has it been now, my love? How long have you been following me like a shadow through my world? Maybe that is what you are. A shadow of me. Maybe when I dream about you I am in some way dreaming of myself. Not in the sense of being of the opposite gender but in the sense of being so perfect. Of being an angel that rules over the universe.

Maybe... maybe I'm just a little bit stoned...

I say yes to meeting cute, normal boys that aren't 17 years older than me!

I am going to see the Spice Girls!
YESSSSSS!!!

Another night in the lonesome October. Another million thoughts about you.
I light the candles and put out the lights. I spin the web of memories and dreams around myself to sleep in. Memories that never were. Dreams that will never happen. They're all so vivid in my mind. It's unfathomable to me how could it all have never happened if I recall it so clearly.
I look in the mirror and see the reflection of your shadow behind my back. Always.
Breathing into my hair, reaching to my neck with your fingertips. So apparent and so inexistent.

Where are you, my love? I need you... myself now more than ever, in this chilling time of year. Show yourself.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool... and a lot of the songs fit with the setting


Opening Credits:
Gwen Stefani "Hollaback Girl"
-
Waking Up:
Placebo "Drowning By Numbers"

First Day At School:
Sneaker Pimps "Sick"

Falling In Love:
Javier Navarrete (Pan's Labyrinth OST) "Una princesa"

Fight Song:
Garbage "Special"

Breaking Up:
Placebo "Running Up That Hill"

Prom:
Peaches "Boys Wanna Be Her"

Life:
Kent "Palac & Main"

Mental Breakdown:
Prata Vetra "Ta Nogurt Var Tikai No Svetkiem"

Driving:
Interpol "Cmere"

Flashback:
Rasputina "Things I'm Gonna Do"

Getting back together:
Placebo "Kitch Object"

Wedding:
Electrocute "Tales of Ordinary Sadness"

Birth of Child:
Queen Adreena "Jolene"

Final Battle:
Kelis "Milkshake"

Death Scene:
Placebo "Something Rotten"

Funeral Song:
Kasabian "The Doberman"

End Credits:
Hole "Jennifer's Body"

My parents are getting divorced. Again.

Robert Levon Been, I love you!

As usual when thing happen they all happen at the same time. Me coughing up a lung is coupled with what looks very much like a mass walk-out from my workplace. People are quitting, like leaves falling from the trees. As I have said before, when the ship starts to sink it's always the rats that leave first. For some reason comparing us to rats doesn't seem too appealing but people are fleeing in the literal sense of the word. This company is turning from something that was an empire into just another, mass-produced salon. The appeal of our work has always been the way how very style is tailored, fitted to suit the person. Slowly but surely, it seems to me, that it will become just another pret-a-portes. A high quality but pret-a-portes nevertheless.

Some have left and other will follow. I'd rather a steel mouse-trap with a big juicy slice of cheese, than a golden one with no bait in it. But I will see. As always I observe, make conclusions and act accordingly. Some people just might not realize how closely I am watching.

Sometime... I don't know. It just feels like. The world is curling up around me and inside me.
And I can't stop it.

The summer has flown by. It is gone now. I feel it in the night air that crawls under my skin, chilling me. The things to come in this new season are both dreaded and anticipated by me. Cold, sweaters, new shoes, moving on at work.

It seems so surreal that in less than half a year I will be a stylist. Right now I'm feeling more and more confident in my work every day. This feeling is beyond many things I have experienced. For the longest time it never seemed like I would ever be this confident in my work but now it seems to come so naturally. Every time, bigger and brighter. Getting bigger as it rolls. Snowball-style.

In other news I feel like I should take up a hobby. Knitting maybe? Knit every one of my friends a scarf? Oui or non?

Sweeter than any birdsong. Your voice. Gasping across the sky.
Lighter than light. The noise. Hitting me with a wave.
So like no snowfall. Too loud. Too clear.
The sence of you. Not being. Too near.

... one long longing.

Longing to be somewhere. It used to be a longing for a particular place but now it is turning into a longing to be anywhere else. I wish to be on the run. Forever. Never stopping to look back, seding postcards to friends, waking up in a different city every day.

I know I can have this but not now. The problem is, I want it this very moment. A change of scenery.

So, as some of you might know my laptop has perished in the move from my previous apartment to this palace. I was severely devastated and today I finally decided that I can't live like this any longer and went to order myself a new one. As I was mostly through the whole "ordering a Dell" process and was about to apply for some installment plan I decided to call my dad and check with him that I had done everything right.

The first thing he said to me was "Cancel it". To my question of why he replied "It was supposed ot be a surprise..."

As much as i don't like surprises I am ecstatic that my parents ordered me a new laptop without telling me. It's in the mail. Wooopee!!

4220 to be exact. But later about that.

I have returned from a fabulous week in Miami. It's places like that that make me realize how much I love the sun and the heat. All the warnings and threats about the heat and humidity amounted to nothing. I loved it. I love being able to step outside into the sun and literally be able to feel the sun rays burning through my skin. Warming me to the bone. Something that's essential to me, since I am always cold.

This whole week was spent in South Beach. We didn't get out of the area simply because we don't drive and the opportunity to be able to run down to the ocean at any time was too much to give up even for a couple hours. The beach... What can I say? I am realizing that I need to live next to a big (huge preferably) body of water. There is some kind of a different freedom about it. About seeing the world, as you know it, being cut off a bit past the shoreline. And then... infinity and distance. Wondering what happens above these thousands of miles of water. Oh yeah, a lake does not count as a huge body of water. No way. For me it needs to be saltwater.

Beyond the endlessness and the mystery it is simply awesome to be able to splash and attempt to swim in the warm, warm water. Then climb onto your towel, getting sand all over yourself in the process, to dry off.

Even though this week was supposed to be a free from work week, we still stopped by the salon in Miami every bloody day. Say what you want but us, Sassoonies, are a big, happy, dysfunctional family. Yes, a family can be happy and dysfunctional at the same time. It's a great feeling, knowing that you can come to this place and people will take you in as one of their kind. I wonder if it is like that in every Vidal, or was it our familiarity with one of the staff?

Speaking of the familiarity... This certain person reminded me of a place in my life that I don't really like to think about. A place where everything you've had is left behind and you're thrown into a whole different world. But then again planes and traveling in general reminds me of that and makes me very melancholy. So sad.

4220 miles between here and there. And the there might as well be on another planet, or just a dreamworld I've made up. Just like my imaginary lover.

One of these days I will stop moving from place to place and settle down. One of these days... But not anytime soon. I must say, even though the circumstances of this recent move very horrific (I have lost my laptop, my cat and a ton of cds) I am now happier than ever, living in the Beaches.

Just being able to wake up in a nice cool room, walk into a big gorgeous house, change into my bathing suit and go suntanning in a huge backyard, covered in flowers and all sorts of wonderfull things is like living in heaven. Somehow I have moved out of the depths of hell and into paradise is rejuvenating me. I wish, I'd done this much earlier but I had to wait untill the summer not to screw over the person I was living with and the landlord.

My agenda for todays is... Suntanning some more, reading a book, eating something yummy, maybe going for a walk, maybe going to the pool. This feels like I am on vacation, living at a cottage somewhere. And the best thing is that it takes me thirty minutes to get downtown!

This area reminds me of Jurmala so much. And also fo Marthy's house in Gauja. Sigh. One day I'll be there again...

Is done. That's it. The last book finished. *sobsob*
Time to re-read all seven in a row now!

The past couple days have been plagued by bad weather and procrastination.

Every day I can't figure out whether it's going to rain, shine or snow. Both outside and inside my mind.

My mood's surprisingly unstable for this time of year. I try to figure out why this is but all I can concentrate on and people I miss in my life. M, S, I and surprisingly K. I remember everything going so well but somehow things always turn for the worst.

I have my vacation to look forward to but even though it's now less than a month away it doesn't seem like it's going to ever get here. What what after? The same old, same old day to day work. Same mundane worries and thoughts. I feel like I need to fill my life with... something. Something more, but what? What is it that I'm truly going to do with my life?

A part of me still wants to start a revolution. To turn this world around and over. To show it what real feelings are like. Do I even know that? What do I know besides the same old, same old mundane bullshit?!